As I approach my beautiful daughter’s second birthday, I can’t help but reflect on what it was like to bring a baby into the world during the early stages of COVID.

Despite two years having passed, the emotions are still very much raw and these memories will stay with me forever…

The anxiety — when I was 37 weeks pregnant, Melbourne went into their first lockdown. I remember feeling a type of anxiety I have never felt before. I was afraid to leave my house and I was scared to see my family…

I remember my in-laws coming over to our house unannounced one day, despite the fact that we had told them we were isolating from everyone before the birth. I felt so conflicted. My MIL was suffering from a terminal illness, and I felt extremely guilty for wanting them to stay away… but at the same time I felt so anxious and I cried the whole way to my maternity appointment. I still feel this in my bones.

The deep sadness — being in lockdown after my baby was born was extremely isolating and painful on so many levels, but probably the hardest part for me was that I didn’t let my sister hold my new baby for the first month of her life. My sister, who is my best friend and my biggest supporter, was not able to be a part of one of the biggest (and hardest) times of my life. I was lucky enough to have my mum care for me after a c-section, and I know that there are many other women out there who didn’t have that… and I just can’t even imagine it.

The loneliness — the days of cuddling my newborn, whilst feeling immense guilt that my 2.5 year old was watching more shows and still had a dummy, feeling like we were all alone. No visitors, no coffee dates or trips to the playground, no reprieve from the intensity of mothering through quick trips to the supermarket. It was like I was living in an alternative universe, where I lived on a planet by myself and only spoke to people through screens. The days as a new mumma can feel extremely long and hard, and I can tell you raising a baby during a pandemic is one of the most intense experiences of my life.

The guilt — the guilt of mothering during lockdown was potent. Just because we were in a pandemic, mother guilt did not abate whatsoever. “Am I doing a good enough job?” “I should be doing more activities with them?” “Screen time is addictive and will ruin their brains” “Oh crap, and their eyesight” The endless stream of inner mean mumma commentary was exhausting…

The disbelief — I remember walking outside onto my front deck and staring out at the mountains in state of numb disbelief. And I can honestly feel it now, the strangeness of the world we were living in. It just felt so unbelievable that we couldn’t leave our house, that there was no end in sight, that we were living in our house in our own little bubble of safety, but all the while being on this rollercoaster of emotions. There were so many days where I felt numb, in a state of disbelief as though I was living someone else’s life, or as though I was in a dream and I would suddenly wake up and realise this wasn’t real.

The gratitude – Of course, there was so much to be grateful for. The fact that I had two beautiful children and a supportive husband, and we were safe. I was grateful for all the extra time we had to spend as a family of four, with nowhere to go and no expectations placed on me as a new mum. It was such a special time living in our bubble, going slowly and cherishing all the small moments. BUT this did not outweigh or minimise the fact that all of the emotions were still present and it was hard.

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We are two years on from the start of our world changing forever, and in all honesty these emotions are still very much present. The past two years have been extremely challenging as a mother, a woman and a business owner. And I know from working with other women who’ve been through similar things, we are all feeling burnt out and exhausted from what we’ve been through.

And just like that, the hustle and bustle of life is back and we’re supposed to hit the ground running. But the reality of the situation is we’re depleted and we need time to recover, to rest and renew our strength from the marathon that we have just run.

So mumma, go gently.

The past two years will stay with us forever… but we are strong, we will recover and be the best mum we can be for our children.